-a mama & munchkin horror story
It’s begun. Hubby started his active duty orders earlier this week but with Covid-19 they are trying to get more stuff done online before they leave. That luckily means that he is with us a little longer before he goes to a galaxy far far away.
On the negative side- it means that, while he is physically home, he’s not mentally here for most of the day. He is doing 9 hour days with meetings, classes, certifications etc. On any other day, it’s been fine. The kids and I get out of the house, go on some adventures, and come home for a rest. By the time they wake up, he’s usually close to being done. However, today I had a meeting too. With my principal and my superintendent. So of course things don’t go as planned.
10 minutes before my meeting I’m doing a double check to ensure everything is ready. My computer is working, I found a hiding spot in my room with a blank wall for our video conference, and I’m ready to rock and roll this meeting.
Then I made the mistake of walking by the kids’ rooms to make sure they were sleeping/quiet. Hunk’s door is slightly ajar and by the looks of it, he is WIDE awake. I walk in and immediately hit a wall of stench.
“Hunk why does it smell like poop?!? Did you fart in here?”
“Nope”
“Then why does it smell?”
“I pooped.”
“Okay, did you forget to wipe your butt?”
“No, I pooped”
“I heard you, but that doesn’t explain the smell. And mama has a meeting in like a minute so what is going on.”
“I pooped!”
“Where did you poop?”
And he points to the corner of his room.
Oh no.
Nononononononononono.
Please God in heaven let him be pointing to the bathroom.
In the corner he pointed to there is a diffuser (that we ironically use to make his room smell better). With a brown stain on the outside. And I”m officially late for my meeting so I’m out of time to investigate. I grab the offending object with it’s nasty odor, tell him to lay down, put it in the bathroom and run into my meeting; harried, late, and pretending like my son isn’t in the process of auditioning to be a monkey in the zoo, but at least I made it.
15 minutes later my meeting is over and I’m ready to put my detective hat back on. I go into the bathroom and the smell is there. I take of the lid of the diffuser and sure enough- there is a huge poop in there.
WTF.
Are you telling me this kid took off his pants and underwear, popped a squat in the corner of his room like a damn monkey, pooped into my $65 diffuser and then laid down like it never happened?!? The cojones on this kid. His bedroom is less than 10 feet away from the bathroom! Why on earth did he think that this was his best option for relieving himself?! No more science channel! No more animal planet! No more zoo videos on Youtube!!
I stomp my way downstairs and luckily the Army meetings were on a break. Hubby must have seen murder in my eyes because he quietly asked if I was okay. I tell him what had happened through gritted teeth and do you know what he says?
“How do you know he pooped into the diffuser? Maybe he pooped on the floor and put it into the diffuser?”
Okay first of all- how is THAT the only thing that you took away from this horrific situation and second of all- why would you put that disgusting possibility into my head?!?
“Oh look my meeting is starting back up.”
How convenient.
I stomp upstairs to Hunk’s room, ready to demand an explanation about how the poop arrived at its final destination…. and this kid is sleeping the most restful sleep of his life. Like the angels themselves are singing him a lullaby. Like he has no problems in the whole world. Like he didn’t just desecrate his bedroom, my sanity and my faith in humanity with his ill-placed bowel movement.
Sleep well while you can little monkey butt. You have some serious explaining to do when you wake up. And cleaning. And hand washing.
On the plus side- at least he didn’t throw it? Or paint his walls with it? No more zoo trips for him. He doesn’t need fresh ideas from his primate buddies.
